i am a bright and colourful piñata and god is a 13 year old birthday boy whose parents have just announced their divorce.
this reads like a john mulaney bit
me going to the campus dining hall
me going again later that day but this time with my friends
company trying to market something to millennials: homie 😎⚠️👆,consumerism 😂💰😂 is on fleek bae!! We should 💯💯💯 go to our nearest bastion of capitalism 💳💸 and get turnt with your bff 👯💅💁
Burglar, when i surprise him by slithering upstairs in my pj’s at 11am on a tuesday: i thought the place was empty…
Me: i have a hectic work schedule
Burglar: understandable, but now i have to kill u (sees my shirt that says “what’s your sign?” and is legally obligated to answer) im a virgo
Me: oh really? This doesnt seem like a virgo heavy career, whats your rising?
Burglar, a little embarrassed: uh idk
Me: thats ok! If u know your time/place of birth, we can look up your birthchart!! Youre about to learn sooo much about yourself
Burglar, pulling up the chair beside me:
1st oc: hi im just a normal highschooler im kinda depressed but i swear im not a mary sue
30th oc:
Click HERE for more facts!
I don’t know why but that graphic has EXTREME Shitpost Energy
They were the first earthbenders.
vampires being the lactose intolerants of the monster world
“Yes I’m violently allergic to garlic but what’s the point of unliving without Italian food?”
“I know silver is bad for me but this necklace was SO cute and it was on sale”
“Technically sunlight burns my skin but with enough layers and aloe lotion-”
i love how this post just casually drops the fact that anne hathaway too is an immortal
catch me on pc playing black ops, i grab the mic and say fuck cops, snipe 25 kills makes my dick fatter, dont forget blue lives dont matter
